Fasting.

Day One: 

Yesterday I started my 24 hour fast. I have been struggling immensely with my anxiety and depression. Yesterday I felt like I was having panic attack after panic attack. I was absolutely desperate to stop feeling this way. Just getting out of bed in the mornings became a monumental task, and going into public seemed like the most inhumane torture possible. 

It's weird because people see me as a super, sociable person. I am naturally funny and use that comedic relief to my advantage especially when I am feeling self conscious. It's a defense mechanism I think every overweight female has. Take Rebel Wilson, for instance. She is overweight compared to all the other female actresses her age. She very rarely plays in serious movies because she has painted herself as this super funny, comedic actress. (Honestly, I don't think she's very funny.) Melissa McCarthy is another example though, whom I do find entertaining to watch. Though she did recently play in a more serious film (Can You Ever Forgive Me), she is most known for her comedic roles like Bridemaids and, my favorite, The Heat. My point is, your fat friend is probably your funniest friend. God didn't just sprinkle us with more "humor" sprinkles. No, we took on that humor role as a defense mechanism. 

I started doing research and found myself getting even more overwhelmed. I don't have health insurance, but, knowing myself, I knew I wasn't going to commit to taking an anti depressant to fix my depression (not that there is anything wrong with this method). I had tried Zoloft in the past (just recently actually towards the end of my pregnancy with Charleigh) and I never saw a change in my mental state. 

Deep down, I knew from trail and error, that eating like shit made me feel like shit. 

But, guess what my favorite thing is to do? Eat like shit. 

Food brings me joy. Sure, my kids bring me joy but, lets be honest, kids also bring stress, aggravation and exhaustion. Food had never let me down or hurt me. Anytime I was sad or upset, food was always my "comfort". After reading more articles on binge eating and the emotional effects, I realized the "comfort" I felt by eating mass quantities of food was actually just my way of putting a physical feeling to a mental thought. 

If I was sad or upset, I would just eat and eat and eat until I gave myself a stomach ache. I would take a stomach ache over guilt, ridicule, or shame any day. Achieving that physical pain helped drowned out the emotional pain I was struggling with. Maybe I had, had a fight with my husband and was feeling unheard or unappreciated. Maybe, as silly as it sounds, seeing the kids toothbrushes left all over the bathroom counter after I had JUST pleaded with them about cleaning up after themselves was enough to make me feel unappreciated, unheard, and taken advantage of. 

Every emotion had an effect, and my "go to" effect was over eating. So, maybe I did "good" all day and then something happened and I found myself knuckles deep in the peanut butter jar. I would get the "two wrongs make a right" mentality and move from the peanut butter to popcorn or from popcorn to a box of Cheeze Its. I couldn't just have one slip up because that slip up had a domino effect on my emotions and the thought of guilt and self hate (HOW DARE I EAT THAT PEANUT BUTTER) just sent me into my downward spiral of binge eating. 

I know all these things. I know my triggers. I know my weaknesses. I know how to achieve mental clarity by eating all the "good foods", but I still continue to struggle. Why? Because I am human. I am going to mess up. I am going to have bad days. I just have to remember to get back up on that bike and keep going. 

I have read over and over again that binge eating is intensified when you put yourself on a strict diet. I have read that time and time again but I know my body and mind needs a strict diet. As a desperate attempt to "jump start" my mental clarity, I did a 24 hour fast yesterday. Sure enough, I woke up this morning feeling SO much better. It's insane, and I know fasting cannot be the answer to my problems (because you have to fuel your body) but it's definitely a A+B=C equation. Depression and anxiety is intensified for me when I eat like crap. By taking a 24 hour fast, I woke up with more mental clarity than I have in the past three weeks. Just think how I will feel if I can just fuel my body with healthy, whole nutrients for the next thirty days. Forget the scales. Forget the weight goals. 

Do it for your mental health. 

*To add, I am taking Hydroxycut as an appetite suppressant and energy booster. I take one when I wake up, one at lunch, and one at the children's snack time. I also take a night time appetite suppressant and sleep aide (Nobi Nutrition Night Time Fat Burner) and I am on day two of taking my Dopa Mucuna which is suppose to raise dopamine levels. None of these I make money on by promoting on this blog, btw. I will be giving an honest review on Dopa Mucuna in the next month or so. 

Here is to hoping for a positive day today.