I just spent two days laying in bed, binge eating on unhealthy foods and contemplating every momma mistake I've ever made. I neglected my friends [on this group, because lets face it "outside" friends are a scary thought..] and completely shunned away from my blogging. There was absolutely NO way I was going to blog about how crazy I was feeling.. I kept telling my husband I thought I had the flu, but I was just have a "momma mental breakdown".
We are responsible for so much, regardless if we stay home all day with our rugrats or if we work a full/part time job. We have so many responsibilities that might sound "small" at the time (for example getting our child to soccer practice) but really it's just something else we have to micromanage. Every single thing we do is based around our children and our husband/partner. Housework consumes us (lets face it, as soon as you get the kitchen clean SOMEONE is going to dirty a dish...), laundry is overwhelming (it's winter in Alabama and I swear- SWEAR- I still find bathing suits in the dirty clothes, meal time (especially for a larger sized family) is completely time consuming when you factor in meal prep, grocery shopping, preparing and serving, and don't get me started on school, extra curricular activities, doctors appointments and more. We become immune to our daily work load and everyone just assumes because it's repetitive that it's easy.
It's not. We are under worked and under appreciated on the daily. My husband is a great father and husband but there are still days where I feel like he just doesn't appreciate ALL the things I do. My husband has a thousand hats. He has one head, yall. Why does he need a thousand hats? I swear I spend 5% of my day picking up his thousands of hats and trying to arrange them in a more organized manner than just "toss it on the dresser". If there was a "hats anonymous" club, I'd sign him up. He should be embarrassed by how many hats he orders online. "..but they were $5 a piece," is his favorite excuse but I still can't justify why the man needs so many damn hats...
The point is, two days ago I broke. I crawled into my bed in the middle of the day and just broke down like a dirty minivan five months post "check engine light" and "change oil soon". How many times do we ignore our own check engine lights? How many times do we ignore our own mental and physical health just because we are a Mom and we don't get a break from daily duties and our overworked schedule?
What does your check engine light look like? I'll tell you what mine looks like.. First I start getting aggravated more often than usual (I'll be the first to admit my kids can be SO annoying..). I notice I am shorter with my children and that simple things like them telling me how their day is or giving me random hugs while I am scrubbing the toilet or something just drives me absolutely insane. I start feeling myself get more and more overwhelmed by small things like a $10 field trip form or an invitation to another birthday party. Then I start taking it out on the men in my life... my husband and my two oldest teens. Bless their hearts. My husband normally gets the brunt of the anxiety but my two older boys take a pretty direct hit from the "eye of the mom-a-cane". I start getting particular about their grades, appearance, or the quality of their chores. These are literally all signs of "this car is about to break down". I think the "oh shit, you need to pull over" sign is when I notice myself starting to eat unhealthy, lessening my water intake and then, last but not least, I stop going outside my house. I start making excuses for why I didn't show up for this or that.. I start ordering simple things like diapers or shampoo off of Amazon, and I will ask my husband or my sister to stop by the store and grab me this or that. Then, guess what happens? Smoke starts billowing out from under my hood, car shuts completely off, and all four tires seem to just disassemble and roll away. Broke down.
The good news is, a broke down momma isn't near as expensive to fix as a broken down vehicle. I spent two days in bed. Mental health was lower than a college graduates credit score.. I was questioning myself as a mother. Everything I had done in my 27 years was wrong. I was mad at everyone, but really I was just full of my own guilt and embarrassment. I completely ruined my diet by a long shot- and by a long shot I mean two cupcakes from Publix, a pan of cream cheese frosted brownies, and a huge box of chocolate covered cherries (I begged my husband to get me some and, bless his soul, I think he found the BIGGEST box in the world). I was angry, embarrassed, overwhelmed, stressed, and just sick to my stomach. I slept on and off for two days. I took a complete break from house work, running errands, and everything else from under the sun. My husband picked up the slack with the errands and my children picked up the slack with the chores. Yesterday I had Taytum and Charleigh with me and they just stayed in bed with me all day. Taytum played with her iPad and ate Roman Noodle cups and grapes all day and Charleigh napped, cuddled and did tummy time on her tummy time nap (on my bed). At one point, Taytum had taken over and was engaging in Patty Cake with Charleigh while I did just what I needed to do- absolutely nothing.
And guess what? Everyone survived. This morning I woke up completely renewed. I told myself my diet would resume as normal. I wouldn't dare weigh myself for another week or so. I filled up my water bottle and promised myself I would chug water all day. I cleaned the house some while getting the kids ready for school. I made a list of things I would do today (that actually involved me leaving my house). I even managed to make homemade french toast with sprinkles and dehydrated marshmallows for the kids. I feel refreshed, renewed, and just whole again. I don't know crap about cars but I assume I feel just as good as a Honda who just got it's tires aligned and a fresh oil change.
Listen to me.
This is normal. You are normal. Feeling overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated, and angry is NORMAL. Your feelings are justifiable. Your feelings are important. Just because you have a moment of depression doesn't mean you have a bad life. It doesn't mean you hate your children or your husband. It doesn't mean everything you have done, every good thing you've managed to do is wiped clean and you have to start all over with your goals, your family, your New Years resolution, whatever.
I have struggled with my weight ever since I was a kid. I managed to loose 150 pounds following a miscarriage. I gained about 65 pounds with my last pregnancy and a little more postpartum. I promised myself I would get back on the weight loss train as soon as the new year started, and I was doing really good. Twenty four hours ago I was stuffing a cream cheese filled cupcake in my mouth while counting how many chocolate covered cherries I had left to eat.. But, it's a new day. I can start over.
We are allowed to break down sometimes.
Lamborghini, Bugatti, and Ferrari's all break down at some point.
Don't measure your worth by a simple bump in the road.
You are enough.
Hell, you are EXTRA.
Stop judging your worth and your motherhood off of a simple, check engine light.
We all break down.
We all require maintenance.
We all have moments where we feel like a crushed up, broken down, Oldsmobile.
You. Are. Perfect.
Just don't forget to check yo' oil sometimes.
And, if you break down, remind yourself that you are not alone and that YOU are a Lambo.
This too shall pass.
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