Parenting definitely doesn't come with a manual, and if it did, I wouldn't want to be the one responsible for writing it. One of the tough things about parenting is the fact that what works for one child may not work for the other. Once we finally think we have the hang of things, something from left field literally crashes into us. Parenting has its highs and lows, for sure, but, lucky for us, the highs out weigh some of the lowest lows.
People often reprimand me for being "the best mom" and how my children are so lucky. The truth is, I am far from the "best mom", but my children love me regardless. And, that alone, is the first lesson we should teach our children. No matter what my children do wrong, they know I am going to love them through it. And, in return, they give me that same grace.
Lately I have been doing a lot of research on parenting trauma triggered children. One of my daughters (8 years old) has been struggling lately and is emotionally all over the place. I am afraid that, even at eight years old, she is in a very deep depression. She came to us through foster care when she was newly five years old. She had just started kindergarten, and was very attached to her parents, regardless of the abuse.
Five years is such a young age. I can't even recall what I did when I was three or four years old, so I assumed, with her being five, that the lasting memories of abuse and neglect would slowly disappear and she would soon forget the tragic things she had once suffered. Trauma is a very complex thing. Trauma isn't just based off of memories of past abuse. Trauma does things to the brain that we can't see and the child can't express. Abandonment, neglect, physical/emotion abuse and sexual abuse are just some of the things that can cause trauma in children.
The child that I once knew as a fun, care free four year old is now an anxious, trauma triggered child, and guess what? I love her all the same. I remind her constantly that I will love her through this, and that we will overcome these things together. There are days where I am scared to death that I am failing my trauma triggered child, but at the end of the day, if she knows I love her unconditionally then I have done my job.
It is important that we, as caregivers to trauma triggered children, continually train and teach ourselves how to help our child with coping mechanisms and how we can spot trauma triggers. I also think its important that we talk to our children about the abuse and trauma they incurred so that those feelings arent just shoved deep down somewhere, just waiting to explode.
As much as I wish this was an informative post, it's not. I don't have the secret answers or the fixes. I am just a mother to many who is perfectly failing my children each day BUT that's okay- that's parenting. We don't have to get it right one hundred percent of the time. We just have to love them through it, and remind ourselves every night that tomorrow is a new day and we can always do better.
I did do some research though, and I have decided we are going to start a journaling/theapy binder. I am going to try it out with two of my children first, and if I see improvements I will eventually do them with all of my kids. I am going to run to the store and grab binders (the ones with the plastic sheet protector so we can decorate the outside of the binder with an All About Me page), tab dividers, sheet protectors, a cool folder and a pencil pouch (my kids can never find a pen/pencil). I also will pick up a pack of crayons or colored pencils so that they have something fresh to use as opposed to the giant coloring box in the craft closet.
I found some worksheets on Teachers Pay Teachers for $1-$3 that specifically focus on self esteem. Last night when I spoke to my daughter after her "episode" she said that she feels like everyone hates her and that no one likes her being a part of our family. That was so hard for me to hear, especially since I know my kids don't specifically bully or ostracize her. I think one of the main problems is that she thinks very poorly of herself and doesn't see herself like we see her. I am making it a big mission to make sure that I remind her of all her great qualities and really show her how she is such a big part of this family. In this huge house, I never want her to feel alone or like she is the black sheep of the family.
I am going to wait until my daughter gets home and then me and her are going to go to the store and pick out the items we need for her binder. I am going to make it a point to sit down and have some type of journaling exercise or therapy lesson with my daughter frequently. I think it will be good for her and I to have this special 1:1 time and hopefully it will remind her just how much she is loved and how much she should love her self. I will be the first to say that sometimes my schedule gets so hectic and the appointments and practices begin to pile up and I forget to have those special moments with each of my kiddos. I am excited to see this binder at work and to see what type of change I can make (for the positive) in my child's mental and emotional health.
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